I belong to an online group for widows/widowers. The group, which consists of about 3000 people, is a source of encouragement as we share our experiences. Even though my grief is new and unique to me, it is oddly comforting to know that grief, in and of itself, is not new. People have been mourning the loss of loved ones since the beginning of time. That said, we live in a culture that does not do grief well. This online group is an outlet for the spouses left behind to be vulnerable and grieve honestly. It is a safe place to land.
I recently posed the question below and asked the group to name only one thing (even though all of us could list a hundred.) Many listed several anyways, sweet and touching as well as practical. Many things were listed over and over again, and although this list is not complete, I tried to capture the essence of what was expressed by those who grieve.
I think it’s kind of a beautiful list.
Tell me one thing you miss about your spouse:
Praying together before bed
His comfort
Being someone’s first priority
Somebody to come home to
His sense of humor
Making up after a fight
Help with meals
Friday night date nights
His teasing
Our lunch dates
Cupboards left open
How he wrapped his arms around me when he came home
Being asked about my day
Lazy Sunday afternoons together
Taking walks together
Horseback riding, our favorite hobby
Early morning coffee chats on the back porch
Texts just to “check in” during the day
My best friend
Him filling up my car with gas each week (an act of love)
His bear hugs
Saturday morning grocery shopping
His singing
Being grandparents together
Spooning in bed
Good morning kisses
Good-bye kisses
For no reason kisses
The way he answered the phone: Hey there Pretty Lady
Her folding my laundry so carefully
His laughter
Private jokes
Waking up together
Love-making
Winks across the room
His desire for me
Him taking my hand in his
Sometimes he would hold me so close I could feel his heartbeat. I miss his heartbeat
His discernment and decision making ability
Help with the kids. Even the adult kids
Long lingering suppers after long days at work
Visiting wineries together
Shopping together
Biking together
Being swept off my feet to dance spontaneously
Saturday morning coffee in bed
His smell
Her wonderful cooking
A sense of purpose
His touch
Caresses while I cook or do the dishes
The best cuppa tea he made for me every day
Him waiting for me on the porch every day after work
Monday night beer sipping on the deck
Floating in the pool together
Holding hands
Her rubbing my bald head
Conversations in bed
His big ol’ man hands
His big ol’ gentle hands
Watching our favorite TV shows
Playing games together
Pats on the butt
His socks and underwear on the floor – who knew?
Watching Columbo over & over & over
Sharing memories
Planning and doing things on our bucket list
Back scratches
Her cherry pie
Affection
Someone taking out the trash
Spontaneous trips to get ice cream
Companionship
Support
His shoulder
His way of listening to me
Seeing him just relaxing in his favorite chair
His Hi Honey, I’m home
Her sweet smile across the room
His pet name for me
Her presence in my life
The sparkle in his eyes when he looked at me
Sharing secrets
Calling him about the little things just because I could
Unconditional love
His smile
The dimple in his chin
Being a couple
Combine harvesting rides with my farmer
His voice
Sitting next to each other in church
His beautiful music
Him saying my name
Us
Hearing his shoes on the wood floor
They way he looked at me
Fishing together
My best friend
Driving together in our bucket list car
Intimacy of all kinds
His snoring… what I wouldn’t give
His surprises
Being held before sleeping
Feeling safe
His arms around me
His encouragement
My biggest cheerleader
Motocycle riding with my arms wrapped around him
Having a soulmate to do life with
Hearing “I love you” a few times each day
Our special code phrase when we were interested in intimacy
Watching our son play baseball together
Morning phone calls to check in on my day
Her cold feet
Hearing the garage door open when he came home
Long chats in the car on the way home from work
Peaceful sleep knowing he was there beside me
Having her in the house with me
His sweet compliments to me
Going to movies together
Her voice
Sitting outside on summer evenings together
My handyman
His playful pranks
Hunting together
Having someone who could fix anything
Silly jokes
Spur of the moment trips
Being loved… no one in the world loves me like he loved me
My hero
Volunteering together
The love he showed the kids
His protection
Stability
His concern for my wellbeing at all times
Dancing together
Listening to our song together
Good deep conversations about anything and everything
The fun carefree life we had together
Someone to eat meals with
His finger stroking my arm
Springtime tractor rides with my farmer
My yard work buddy
Vacations
Romantic Bed & Breakfasts
Hearing I love you everyday
It’s all the big things. All the little things. Even all the things that drove us crazy.
It’s all the things…