I belong to an online group for widows/widowers. The group, which consists of about 3000 people, is a source of encouragement as we share our experiences. Even though my grief is new and unique to me, it is oddly comforting to know that grief, in and of itself, is not new. People have been mourning the loss of loved ones since the beginning of time. That said, we live in a culture that does not do grief well. This online group is an outlet for the spouses left behind to be vulnerable and grieve honestly. It is a safe place to land.

I recently posed the question below and asked the group to name only one thing (even though all of us could list a hundred.) Many listed several anyways, sweet and touching as well as practical. Many things were listed over and over again, and although this list is not complete, I tried to capture the essence of what was expressed by those who grieve.

I think it’s kind of a beautiful list.

Tell me one thing you miss about your spouse:

Praying together before bed

His comfort

Being someone’s first priority

Somebody to come home to

His sense of humor

Making up after a fight

Help with meals

Friday night date nights

His teasing

Our lunch dates

Cupboards left open

How he wrapped his arms around me when he came home

Being asked about my day

Lazy Sunday afternoons together

Taking walks together

Horseback riding, our favorite hobby

Early morning coffee chats on the back porch

Texts just to “check in” during the day

My best friend

Him filling up my car with gas each week (an act of love)

His bear hugs

Saturday morning grocery shopping

His singing

Being grandparents together

Spooning in bed

Good morning kisses

Good-bye kisses

For no reason kisses

The way he answered the phone: Hey there Pretty Lady

Her folding my laundry so carefully

His laughter

Private jokes

Waking up together

Love-making

Winks across the room

His desire for me

Him taking my hand in his

Sometimes he would hold me so close I could feel his heartbeat. I miss his heartbeat

His discernment and decision making ability

Help with the kids. Even the adult kids

Long lingering suppers after long days at work

Visiting wineries together

Shopping together

Biking together

Being swept off my feet to dance spontaneously

Saturday morning coffee in bed

His smell

Her wonderful cooking

A sense of purpose

His touch

Caresses while I cook or do the dishes

The best cuppa tea he made for me every day

Him waiting for me on the porch every day after work

Monday night beer sipping on the deck

Floating in the pool together

Holding hands

Her rubbing my bald head

Conversations in bed

His big ol’ man hands

His big ol’ gentle hands

Watching our favorite TV shows

Playing games together

Pats on the butt

His socks and underwear on the floor – who knew?

Watching Columbo over & over & over

Sharing memories

Planning and doing things on our bucket list

Back scratches

Her cherry pie

Affection

Someone taking out the trash

Spontaneous trips to get ice cream

Companionship

Support

His shoulder

His way of listening to me

Seeing him just relaxing in his favorite chair

His Hi Honey, I’m home

Her sweet smile across the room

His pet name for me

Her presence in my life

The sparkle in his eyes when he looked at me

Sharing secrets

Calling him about the little things just because I could

Unconditional love

His smile

The dimple in his chin

Being a couple

Combine harvesting rides with my farmer

His voice

Sitting next to each other in church

His beautiful music

Him saying my name

Us

Hearing his shoes on the wood floor

They way he looked at me

Fishing together

My best friend

Driving together in our bucket list car

Intimacy of all kinds

His snoring… what I wouldn’t give

His surprises

Being held before sleeping

Feeling safe

His arms around me

His encouragement

My biggest cheerleader

Motocycle riding with my arms wrapped around him

Having a soulmate to do life with

Hearing “I love you” a few times each day

Our special code phrase when we were interested in intimacy

Watching our son play baseball together

Morning phone calls to check in on my day

Her cold feet

Hearing the garage door open when he came home

Long chats in the car on the way home from work

Peaceful sleep knowing he was there beside me

Having her in the house with me

His sweet compliments to me

Going to movies together

Her voice

Sitting outside on summer evenings together

My handyman

His playful pranks

Hunting together

Having someone who could fix anything

Silly jokes

Spur of the moment trips

Being loved… no one in the world loves me like he loved me

My hero

Volunteering together

The love he showed the kids

His protection

Stability

His concern for my wellbeing at all times

Dancing together

Listening to our song together

Good deep conversations about anything and everything

The fun carefree life we had together

Someone to eat meals with

His finger stroking my arm

Springtime tractor rides with my farmer

My yard work buddy

Vacations

Romantic Bed & Breakfasts

Hearing I love you everyday

It’s all the big things. All the little things. Even all the things that drove us crazy.

It’s all the things…