My Days Well-Lived
I thought I would write this post two weeks ago on the third anniversary of Jon’s death. But no words came. Nothing. I just sat and stared at the ocean. Three years. How can it be? It seems like just yesterday, and yet each day has been 100 hours long. I thought this post would […]
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I wrote some promotional material for a women’s ministry yesterday, and I ended the promo with the tagline, “Can I get a witness?” I’ve thought about that phrase all day. I talk a lot about grief, and the importance of standing in witness of our own grief as well as the grief of others. It’s […]
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I stared down at the pond pump, and thought, “How hard can it be?” That question comes up a lot… How hard can it be? Ponds, sprinkler heads, and rodent traps are not things I would have chosen in search of my new identity, but they are certainly part of the journey. These are the […]
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I have always thought February was THE loooonnnngest month of the year. Until this year. January seemed to drag on for.ev.er. I was happy to turn the calendar and behold a new month. The first few weeks of the year were a bit rough. I think my Fall was so busy, one thing after another, that […]
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Your granddaughter wanted to bake pies for Thanksgiving. She’s become a beauty. You would be so proud of her. She came for the day and we made three pies. Cherry, oatmeal, and of course, Pumpkin. Oatmeal pie was one of your favorites. It’s her favorite now too, and she asks for it every time we […]
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We’ve all been there, right? We stand in the visitation line at a funeral, and fret about what we’re going to say once we reach the bereaved. We worry we’ll say the wrong thing. An awkward thing. Or that a complete sentence won’t even come out of our mouth. Here’s the thing… they may not […]
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I was honored to speak at a breakout session this weekend at the Alabaster Heart conference, Jireh. I’ve stayed home and quiet today. The enemy would like to steal any joy or healing from that event. I’ve tried to be proactive with self-care, good media, lots of reflection, and some art therapy. Interestingly enough, the […]
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It was a picture of me — from about five years ago. I scrolled on, but something made me click the BACK button. I studied her. Who is that woman smiling into the camera — even with her eyes. That’s rare. For me anyways. My daughter tells me I don’t often smile unabashedly for kodak […]
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I get asked this question a lot…. How are you doing? I usually avoid the question by just repeating the question back – “How are YOU?” Because it’s really just a salutation, right? Like “Hey!” or “There you are!” Most of the time it’s not really THE question, ‘How are you?” And when it is, […]
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Yesterday was my birthday. The second birthday I’ve “celebrated” without my husband. That’s how I track time now. Before he died. After he died. That’s not grief or mourning. It’s just the way it is. Keeping track of time by his death comes as naturally to me as breathing. Many don’t get it, but all […]
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I have cried off and on all day today. It’s a lamenting kind of day. The news. Heartbreaking. I can’t stand to watch. Or listen. It’s too much. Shocked. Scared. Paralyzed. Nineteen children. How? A friend’s husband. Sick. Gone. Just like that. How? Another friend with breast cancer. Stage 2. Chemo. Mastectomy. Unknowns. How? A […]
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Today is Holy Saturday, the day after Jesus was crucified. This year, more than ever before, Holy Saturday weighs heavy on me. It is the day between Good Friday and Easter, both highly acknowledged and observed in churches, of course, as those two days are what Christianity is built upon. Without Easter, we have nothing. […]
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This picture of my 91-year-old mom was taken recently. She is standing in front of the paintings she created a few years ago — when she was 85-years-old. She had never painted before then. She was living in an assisted living facility where an amazing Activities Director worked with the residents over the course of […]
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Mail still arrives almost every day for Jon — mostly farm related stuff like flyers, magazines, auction notifications, and the random pieces of junk mail. I usually walk straight to the trash bin as I am going through the stack, and toss most of it before I have time to think about it. But today […]
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I’m sitting here mid-day in my pjs, looking across my backyard into the woods. Where I live, in late February the air is still chilly and crisp, and even a little breeze will chase you back inside for a steaming cup of tea. But today the sun is shining through those barren trees and only […]
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My local church hosted a Blue Christmas service this year. I was asked to give a testimony… I lost my husband 14 months ago. Wow! It still shocks me when I say that out loud. This past year has been the hardest year of my life. I came to know the Lord as a teenager, […]
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It’s early morning where I am, but I’ve been up for awhile. I wanted to savor every minute of today. A year ago, at this time, he was still with me. He was still alive. And I can only keep saying that for just a few more hours. And then it will no longer be […]
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God is good. All the time. All the time. God is good. Yes. I believe that. And still… There is no gravity in my house. Ten months. And counting… When should I go to bed? What time should I get up? When am I suppose to eat? Or NOT eat? What am I suppose to […]
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I belong to an online group for widows/widowers. The group, which consists of about 3000 people, is a source of encouragement as we share our experiences. Even though my grief is new and unique to me, it is oddly comforting to know that grief, in and of itself, is not new. People have been mourning […]
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I was just casually looking for art supplies at the local craft store. Minding my own business and not thinking about grief. Not even thinking about Jon in that moment. It’s okay to say that, right? Just enjoying a bit of reprieve with some carefree shopping. As I was comparing the different hues of red […]
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So I painted this picture. The online class instructor suggested that we take pictures of the piece as we painted. That was excellent counsel. Looking back at the progression of this picture, I was reminded of the Master’s hand. I said in an earlier post, this grief art therapy is taking me to places I […]
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I’m finding the creative arts to be therapeutic during this season of grief. I’m exploring acrylics, watercolors, and writing. I’ve never been one to write in journals. But my heart needed to put my thoughts on paper. I couldn’t find a journal that suited me. I ordered several and returned them all. I created and […]
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A few weeks back, I had to drop off some documents at a local business. The woman who took the papers from me talked briefly, and then tears rolled down her cheeks. She said, “Jon would walk in and come back to my desk. He was always so friendly, and we would just talk for […]
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It’s been eight months. I plan to clean out the bathroom today. All the shelves and all the drawers. It’s been on my to-do list for over a week. I keep “arrowing” it over to the next day. And then the next. But I think today is the day. And to be fair, 75 percent […]
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I watched Shadowlands this past weekend — part of the story of C. S. Lewis. I actually didn’t know what I was signing up for when I rented the movie, but recently I had watched Anthony Hopkins in another movie, The Father (also an ambush), and was intrigued by this actor. Shadowlands was such a […]
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My husband had been gone for a little over a month, and the adrenaline shock was wearing off. No longer was I frantically finding “his” chores to do around the house. I had become lethargic and depressed, feeling lost and alone. A few days into my slump, unable to sleep and feeling distraught, I got […]
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I have attempted to be pro-active when it comes to special dates and my grief. My husband always wrote hand-written notes inside of the cards he gave me as well as underlining anything meaningful. I have saved them all (all? I hope so. I’m praying I still find a box or two hidden away somewhere […]
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My bus is stuck in the mud this week. Apathy, the bus driver, doesn’t think we can get out. Wallowing, his companion, is here with him, a distraction, and we aren’t getting much accomplished, paralyzed by the situation. Food and drink have graciously been provided, but the thought of eating brings Nausea to sit beside […]
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[We]… equate healing with doing something. When we have a problem, we fix it, and we prefer to do it quickly. But fixing is not the same as healing; in fact it can easily get in the way of healing…Healing happens not through doing but through feeling. — E. frattaroli Heavy. Hard. Scary. Hope. Those […]
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I’m reading a book by Joanne Cacciatore, Bearing the Unbearable. With her permission, I may from time to time post a passage that I find meaningful. I may write about my own grief as well, but right now my brain can’t fully compute and words are just jumbled in my head. Grief is a tricky […]
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I have two church bulletins from 2019 tucked in the back of my daytimer. These bulletins are filled with handwritten notes. The sermons spoke to me then, and continue to speak to me to this day, and I occasionally pull them out to review the lessons. The interesting thing about these two sermons, which were […]
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Do you ever play games in your mind? You know, like this is one… We relocated to a new city 8 years ago. 8 years! It seems like 3. How did that happen? And so (the game)… when the next 8 years whiz by, it will be the year 2028 (almost)! That number looks odd. […]
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I have not had enough empathy for people in chronic pain. The week before Mother’s Day, I injured my back — somehow. I don’t really know when or how, but trust me I’m down for the count. It toyed with me for about 6 weeks, mostly just disrupting my sleep, but in week 7, it […]
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Every now and then I join up with Five Minute Friday and write a blog post with the word prompt for the week. The post is suppose to be a 5 minute writing challenge. I’m not sure I always obey that rule, but today I’m going to give it a try. So here we go […]
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Joining up with Five Minute Friday this week (for the first time in ages) with the prompt: opportunity. A set of circumstances that allows me to do something I want to do or have to do. That’s how most dictionaries describe the word opportunity. That sounds simple enough, right? Here’s the opportunity, go for it! […]
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We sat around the table reminiscing about childhood school experiences. And as you would guess, there was a mixture of laughter and shock as my daughters shared their memories. During a rare break in the chatter, daughter Number 3 said, “This is crazy, but one of the biggest lessons I learned in school was in […]
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Joining up with Five Minute Friday this week on the prompt: rain Those 4 letters were once just a common word in my vocabulary that described the weather. The word was neither good nor bad. It just was. It rained. Or it didn’t rain. I never gave it much thought. And then my husband became […]
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I caught myself sending up a prayer yesterday, “God….” I say “caught” because when I heard my voice, after that one word, I stopped. Seriously? Was I going to talk to God that way? I thought about that prayer the rest of the day. Mind you, there is nothing wrong with addressing God by using […]
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As I placed the watercolor paint pots on the table, I heard a few moans from around the table. “Where are our markers?” was the question of the day. Earlier in the summer, trying to save myself some prep time for each class, I searched for a way to get my pictures onto the canvas […]
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“Those paintings look so different,” my sister said when I showed her a recent photo from a Cookies & Canvas session. That made me laugh because although Cookies & Canvas is indeed a “step by step, follow the leader” type of paint class, everyone’s finished picture is unique. I tend to follow the rules and […]
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Recently I discovered a wonderful new blog, The Perennial Gen. The creators of this blog hope to reach out to women in mid-life and beyond. I copied part of their mission statement and placed it below because I wanted you to understand why I was drawn to these women, and why I wanted to write […]
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I attended a conference recently where I had the privilege of listening to a dozen women recite the essay they contributed to Leslie Leyland Fields’ newest book, The Wonder Years. It was such a fun evening, as women talked on aging, faith, beauty, strength — and training bras! In three thematic sections – -Firsts, […]
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If you are following my blog, by now you know I’ve fallen in love with this simple painting class I facilitate at my mother’s assisted living home. I didn’t want to do it. I did it for her. But the joke is on me because I’m crazy about this class — and these women. I […]
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During the last class in February, as I was setting up the art supplies, the administrator asked if she could talk with me for a minute. As I laid the last of the paints on the table, I followed her into the hallway, assuming she wanted to talk in private about something concerning my mother. […]
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I invited my friend Brenda Yoder to join me here today to talk about ways to cultivate our identity as we release our kids. I know I floundered for quite some time, trying to redefine myself, after my last child flew the coop. My children are spaced out by 13 years, so I had been […]
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A few years back, my husband and I visited Colorado Spings for the first time. As we left the airport and drove south toward the city, the snow-covered beauty of Pike’s Peak came into view. And as most likely with first time visitors, it’s summit beckoned to us. We needed to get to the top […]
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The forecast for Friday was daunting. The news was calling for a winter storm with 14 inches of snow threatening our area. I texted my husband on Thursday afternoon, saying, “I think I’m just going to cancel class.” His reply was almost instantaneous, “just wait until morning.” I think he gets just as excited about […]
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A Snowman picture just seemed appropriate for the first art class in January at my mom’s assisted living facility. The roads were snow-covered and the trees glistened with ice. Brrr. I think we should have had some hot chocolate as well. As Loraine took her seat, she told me her daughter had taken down most […]
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As I was setting up for our first art class since the holidays, Phyllis came into the room, saying, “Connie, I want you to see something.” As she got closer, she opened up her walker seat, and pulled out the coloring book I had given her for Christmas. “Look! I’ve been working on these pictures. […]
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