Are You Really Asking?

I get asked this question a lot…. How are you doing? I usually avoid the question by just repeating the question back – “How are YOU?” Because it’s really just a salutation, right? Like “Hey!” or “There you are!” Most of the time it’s not really THE question, ‘How are you?” And when it is, […]

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I Will Always Grieve But I May Not Always Mourn

Yesterday was my birthday. The second birthday I’ve “celebrated” without my husband. That’s how I track time now. Before he died. After he died. That’s not grief or mourning. It’s just the way it is. Keeping track of time by his death comes as naturally to me as breathing. Many don’t get it, but all […]

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Normal Saturday? or Holy?

Today is Holy Saturday, the day after Jesus was crucified. This year, more than ever before, Holy Saturday weighs heavy on me. It is the day between Good Friday and Easter, both highly acknowledged and observed in churches, of course, as those two days are what Christianity is built upon. Without Easter, we have nothing. […]

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Junk Mail, Birthdays, and Other “Majestic” Switchbacks

Mail still arrives almost every day for Jon — mostly farm related stuff like flyers, magazines, auction notifications, and the random pieces of junk mail. I usually walk straight to the trash bin as I am going through the stack, and toss most of it before I have time to think about it. But today […]

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My To-Do List Doesn’t Look the Same

I’m sitting here mid-day in my pjs, looking across my backyard into the woods. Where I live, in late February the air is still chilly and crisp, and even a little breeze will chase you back inside for a steaming cup of tea. But today the sun is shining through those barren trees and only […]

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What Will I Do With What I’ve Been Given?

My local church hosted a Blue Christmas service this year. I was asked to give a testimony… I lost my husband 14 months ago.  Wow!  It still shocks me when I say that out loud. This past year has been the hardest year of my life. I came to know the Lord as a teenager, […]

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I’m Not Who I Once Was

It’s early morning where I am, but I’ve been up for awhile. I wanted to savor every minute of today. A year ago, at this time, he was still with me. He was still alive. And I can only keep saying that for just a few more hours. And then it will no longer be […]

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There Is No Gravity In My House

God is good. All the time. All the time. God is good. Yes. I believe that. And still… There is no gravity in my house. Ten months. And counting… When should I go to bed? What time should I get up? When am I suppose to eat? Or NOT eat? What am I suppose to […]

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It’s all the things

I belong to an online group for widows/widowers. The group, which consists of about 3000 people, is a source of encouragement as we share our experiences. Even though my grief is new and unique to me, it is oddly comforting to know that grief, in and of itself, is not new. People have been mourning […]

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Brushstrokes

So I painted this picture. The online class instructor suggested that we take pictures of the piece as we painted. That was excellent counsel. Looking back at the progression of this picture, I was reminded of the Master’s hand. I said in an earlier post, this grief art therapy is taking me to places I […]

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I’d Rather Paint

I’m finding the creative arts to be therapeutic during this season of grief. I’m exploring acrylics, watercolors, and writing. I’ve never been one to write in journals. But my heart needed to put my thoughts on paper. I couldn’t find a journal that suited me. I ordered several and returned them all. I created and […]

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Grief Witnessed

A few weeks back, I had to drop off some documents at a local business. The woman who took the papers from me talked briefly, and then tears rolled down her cheeks. She said, “Jon would walk in and come back to my desk. He was always so friendly, and we would just talk for […]

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Chaotic Cluttered Crazy Grief

It’s been eight months. I plan to clean out the bathroom today. All the shelves and all the drawers. It’s been on my to-do list for over a week. I keep “arrowing” it over to the next day. And then the next. But I think today is the day. And to be fair, 75 percent […]

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I miss his voice

My husband had been gone for a little over a month, and the adrenaline shock was wearing off. No longer was I frantically finding “his” chores to do around the house. I had become lethargic and depressed, feeling lost and alone. A few days into my slump, unable to sleep and feeling distraught, I got […]

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It’s okay to just let it be hard

I have attempted to be pro-active when it comes to special dates and my grief. My husband always wrote hand-written notes inside of the cards he gave me as well as underlining anything meaningful. I have saved them all (all? I hope so. I’m praying I still find a box or two hidden away somewhere […]

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Who’s Driving my bus?

My bus is stuck in the mud this week. Apathy, the bus driver, doesn’t think we can get out. Wallowing is here with him, a distraction, and we aren’t getting much accomplished, paralyzed by the situation. Food and drink have graciously been provided, but the thought of eating brings Nausea to sit beside me. Exhaustion […]

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